just blabbering

May be this happens in everyone's life; but I can be sure only of myself. Let me borrow a term I have picked up from some old mail - Quarter Life Crisis.

Everything looks so great from outside. Good job, reasonable pay, maximum city, independence and what not. But why am I feeling so lost at times? Rather, most of the times.

I can't say that I always had a dream of making it big in some field, all I ever craved for was to do what I like. I always had the freedom; freedom to choose Maths over Biology, freedom to choose Management over a Tech life, the place I wanted to work and all that I could want. It was always my decision. And now when I am here where everyone thinks I am the epitome of self-reliance and all of those related terms, why am I feeling so blank?

It is this when I think "what next" I am bewildered. All I know is that something is missing in life, but what?

There was a time when I didn't want a single room as I hated the loneliness. But now I am getting more and more addicted to the solitude. It embarasses me when someone sneaks into my space. And finally when I make a deliberate effort to gel with the rest, it is worse.

I speak home, or AJ and their voices come from so far some land. It is Greek & Latin. I know it is raining there, I know you are concerned about my Apartment hunting, I know that you want me home, I know all that. But Why am I so numb?

Or am I just imagining things up? Is it the fact I have absolutely no friends in this city? How do I strike a balance?

Something is wrong. And it scares me.

The thought of marriage scares me to DEATH

You can't blame me after reading this. What a bubbly girl she used to be !!!!!!!!!

hii...

yes, i've joined back...

we did some small scale shopping for the house...i think i told u abt the almirah..we also bought a mixie n hubby was finally able to "locate" the gas supplier's shop...so, now i have a gas connection...i am yet to take a number...hope to go to their office today...

man, its very very hard setting up a home...i have till now not been able to find a bai, though officially three of them have agreed to work at my place...they never turn up....n hubby is not too helpful with the house work..so, i end up doing the cooking, cleaning, washing, jhaddoo,pocha, everything myself...n to top it, i have to catch the office bus at 7.15 am..got up at 5.30 today, fixed up the breakfast, got ready n came to office..n here also, the induction is going on in full swing n i have been given my first assignment already...24 hrs r not enough for me....

enuff of my prarabdham...u tell me..whats up...

plz give me some time to settle down..n then i will be in touch..right now, i am simply too screwed up for anything....

take care...

Do I need my space?

I can't exactly name it, but there is this feeling that overwhelms me at times. A sort of an ennui, an emptiness or an indifference. I have no reason to attribute to it but it happens. It gobbles me up for an agonizingly long period which disturbs the feeble balance I maintain in my life. Everyone, however close they are, feels so far off and disconnected and nothing interests me. The times I feel all alone in the most crowded of places and with the closest of people.

I wonder what, after all, am doing. Getting up everyday, going to work, come back and sleep; filling the gaps with talking to people who bother about me and sometimes, whom I bother about. A pirate movie or an old melody can cheer me up for a while. But I have to go back to my cocoon, invariably.

I get restless for reasons I can’t comprehend and don’t find solace even in my soliloquy, which I resort to almost all the time. I can’t keep quiet. I have to talk. It can be on anything- personal worries, the food I eat, the shampoo I use, some happy moments etc etc etc. And I am hardly interested in any audience, ‘cos I have found out that my”self” is my best audience. So if I am not talking to you, you or you, I am surely talking to myself. These talks are so sincere and real to me that I forget my surroundings and get all caught up in the conversation. People find it funny to look at my expressive face when I am busy with my”self” and those who are familiar with my habit, just give me a hard jerk and I give that embarrassed smile.

Off late, I feel that I am getting these attacks of numbness too often that usual. This is badly affecting my relationships. It is very rare that your kith and kin understand your mood swings. You can go on talking about the need of your “space” or the power of silence and at the end of it they still worry what worries you. I am on the other end, badly need my space. Yet I slyly yearn for someone to reassure me they are with me. So there is a conflict. I have to have the cake and eat it too. And no human being on earth would cater to my requirement at that time.

I guess, this happens with everyone. But the manifestation may vary. Some may seek space and some may seek solace. My problem is that I seek both and such a formula is yet to evolve.


A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

George Bernard Shaw

;( / ;)

There is a soothing comfort while you walk on the same roads, talk to the same people and celebrate the same festivals. Something that shake you out of the "other" world you belong to.

The farthest you go from home, the strongest is the pull back. The deepest are the emotional attachement - both to people and things. Yet, it is a very remote possibility that you would be able to give in. There are hundreds of other things that keep you away. Sometimes for the rest of your life. The financial burdens, the never ending ambitions etc etc etc.







I wish, one day I will be able to go back, buy a small home there and settle down. But how or when will I cut myself off from where I am now, is a big question mark. How will I let go of a decent pay check, how will I ever be able to live a homely life and how will I be able to give up my longing for the finest things in life. Even if I do, I will be thinking only about myself if I go back leaving everything behind. I have my aging parents to look after, a brother whom I want to free of all responsibilities so that he can go chasing his dreams .......

Home or "naadu" is just a distant dream. Not a goal. May be it is better that way. Had I been staying there, I would never have valued anything.

confusion

There are two worlds. I belong to both. But being in one precludes the other. And I am struggling to figure out how do make them both meet. In the meanwhile, life moves on. Each moment lost in confusion is lost forever.