Do I need my space?
I can't exactly name it, but there is this feeling that overwhelms me at times. A sort of an ennui, an emptiness or an indifference. I have no reason to attribute to it but it happens. It gobbles me up for an agonizingly long period which disturbs the feeble balance I maintain in my life. Everyone, however close they are, feels so far off and disconnected and nothing interests me. The times I feel all alone in the most crowded of places and with the closest of people.
I wonder what, after all, am doing. Getting up everyday, going to work, come back and sleep; filling the gaps with talking to people who bother about me and sometimes, whom I bother about. A pirate movie or an old melody can cheer me up for a while. But I have to go back to my cocoon, invariably.
I get restless for reasons I can’t comprehend and don’t find solace even in my soliloquy, which I resort to almost all the time. I can’t keep quiet. I have to talk. It can be on anything- personal worries, the food I eat, the shampoo I use, some happy moments etc etc etc. And I am hardly interested in any audience, ‘cos I have found out that my”self” is my best audience. So if I am not talking to you, you or you, I am surely talking to myself. These talks are so sincere and real to me that I forget my surroundings and get all caught up in the conversation. People find it funny to look at my expressive face when I am busy with my”self” and those who are familiar with my habit, just give me a hard jerk and I give that embarrassed smile.
Off late, I feel that I am getting these attacks of numbness too often that usual. This is badly affecting my relationships. It is very rare that your kith and kin understand your mood swings. You can go on talking about the need of your “space” or the power of silence and at the end of it they still worry what worries you. I am on the other end, badly need my space. Yet I slyly yearn for someone to reassure me they are with me. So there is a conflict. I have to have the cake and eat it too. And no human being on earth would cater to my requirement at that time.
I guess, this happens with everyone. But the manifestation may vary. Some may seek space and some may seek solace. My problem is that I seek both and such a formula is yet to evolve.
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
I wonder what, after all, am doing. Getting up everyday, going to work, come back and sleep; filling the gaps with talking to people who bother about me and sometimes, whom I bother about. A pirate movie or an old melody can cheer me up for a while. But I have to go back to my cocoon, invariably.
I get restless for reasons I can’t comprehend and don’t find solace even in my soliloquy, which I resort to almost all the time. I can’t keep quiet. I have to talk. It can be on anything- personal worries, the food I eat, the shampoo I use, some happy moments etc etc etc. And I am hardly interested in any audience, ‘cos I have found out that my”self” is my best audience. So if I am not talking to you, you or you, I am surely talking to myself. These talks are so sincere and real to me that I forget my surroundings and get all caught up in the conversation. People find it funny to look at my expressive face when I am busy with my”self” and those who are familiar with my habit, just give me a hard jerk and I give that embarrassed smile.
Off late, I feel that I am getting these attacks of numbness too often that usual. This is badly affecting my relationships. It is very rare that your kith and kin understand your mood swings. You can go on talking about the need of your “space” or the power of silence and at the end of it they still worry what worries you. I am on the other end, badly need my space. Yet I slyly yearn for someone to reassure me they are with me. So there is a conflict. I have to have the cake and eat it too. And no human being on earth would cater to my requirement at that time.
I guess, this happens with everyone. But the manifestation may vary. Some may seek space and some may seek solace. My problem is that I seek both and such a formula is yet to evolve.
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
Labels: confusions
posted by Dew Drops at 3:00 AM
4 Comments:
Amen !
Must be the seasons you know - its autumn - shishiram and all the rithusamharam :) which leaf falls which stays and all that laborious uncertainity.I'm hurting from this for a loong time now.
Well written,very well written !!
(you saved blogger and me another post)
Oooooooops!!!
Can I ask you a question? Have you shared this only on this blogosphere for strangers to read or have you discussed this with your close ones?? I think there is a lot going on with you right now. It would help a lot if you speak things out (this time not to urself :))
~AY~
@b v n
thats a gr8 compliment .... coming from the lord ;))
@AY
the problem is that we don't speak the same language. even when they come the closest to understanding, i can't express myself. i guess it is a phase and has to pass. may be, i am just growing up or something.
There is no space... even if u do manage 2 get some, u find it empty & realize that its far from ones ability to even try n think to fill that emptyness! Its only u there for urself, wandering totally lost. Scared, insecure to let the rest of the world know about such a void.
Not every thing in life is filled with what you want! Incompleteness & emptyness fills or completes whats missing in life!
All of us have the same set of questions... its only that each of us have a different way to seek answers for them...
~ KS
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