I, Me, Myself

I can be taken for a ride, any time.
Except for certain fundamental things like food, books, movies and politics, any Tom, Dick & Harry can influence me; especially when it comes to judging others. Whoever gives me the last opinion can count on me, but make sure no one else talks to me after that. I might change loyalties.

I forgive but don't forget.
I am taken for granted, all most all the time. I keep quiet and take everything. Either I don't give a damn or I don't want to embarrass the other person. Finally when I snap, that is The End. I don't always get angry. I can exactly recollect the times I have lost my temper. And I am sure those who stood it recollect it too. As I said I forgive all the time, but will carry the wound to my grave.

I embarrass others in oddest of ways imaginable.
When I feel sarcastic about things, I just can't hide it from my face, how much ever serious the situation is. When someone was calling me names over phone, I was feeling funny on the other side and they gave up sensing my cold response. Then again a creepy guy once offered to walk with me on a deserted road; I smiled at him and told with the most polite expression – that was so nice of you. But no thanks – He didn’t know what to say. And I waited for his response. He gave a faint smile and walked away. I wasn’t acting brave; my response was genuine at that time. The very thought of it makes me faint with fear now.

I am biased.
Somehow I always overlook a mistake by girl while even a silly shortcoming from a guy could be taken very badly. I can't help thinking of guys in bad light. So even if a guy and a girl behave the same way, I might rate the guy as irritating and disgusting and an outright PIG, while the girl may pass with a - Oh she is so silly - remark. Considering the infatuations or crushes I had on guys when I didn’t know them and the nearly nil conversion ratios into an affair after I had even a single chance to talk to them, I don't think I can be blamed. (Wait, I am straight. Just to clear the doubt).

Anything Indian, mallu, girlie and left appeals to me. But girlie has got nothing to do with the kind of funny thing you see in the K soaps or the Govinda movies.

I am a hypocrite (in a smaalll way)
Even though guys are generally rated as MCPs, almost all my closest friends happen to be guys. And most of the time its guys who leave my mouth open with admiration.

And then, even if the omnipotence and omnipresence is something that doesn't appeal to my logical mind, somewhere deep down I fear a far off hell where they are all waiting to get me. (Anyway they say that hell is full of interesting people).

I am confused.
I dilly dally all the time. I myself don’t know what I want. At one time I would want one thing and the next time that might look so silly and stupid. I have always made my choices so far. Good, bad, right or wrong, I am happy that I made them. There are things I feel so ashamed of myself, things I think I would have handled differently, but at the end of the day I would not have been like things had it happened some other way. I don’t know how I got here, no idea where am I going. All I know is that I’ll keep going till my last breath. And it is my right to be happy through out.

I am obsessive about people, things and books.
About 4 people.

And all those small paper roses and other gifts brother had given me years back, the paper in which AJ’s gift was wrapped, all the letters sent by a friend long lost, all the one or two liner chits Amma used to keep in my couriers, the mails thru which I made friends with some of you out there and the only gift Achan had given me formally – the wrist watch that I am wearing for the last 11 years. It isn’t those photographs or real gifts that excite me but those small things you never valued means everything to me. And ya, if I give you something you better keep it. Brother once spent almost a week pacifying me after somebody stole a laughing Buddha I have him. (But I am not bothered that he is selling the WorldSpace I bought for him).

I neither borrow books nor lend. I don’t keep them for display, but inside an almirah so that no one see it. Once a close friend took one for a read, I only know the pain and anxiety I went thru till she returned it.

And ya, I am an ardent admirer too – of both people I live my real life with and those faceless ones somewhere in the big big web world.

I am waiting for a Communist Utopia.
Though I very much doubt the practicality of such a society, I believe the left still has a larger role to play in a country like ours. There are lots of things I want to protest about, lot of things I want to contribute to. But then, I am no superman. So I choose to wait, till someone else takes the initiative. But I guess, I’ll make an ardent follower.

I truly, sincerely, ardently wish

that I get one more birth and I be a pirate/super woman/or be a warrior(like the ones who do those martial arts trick in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Hero, my all time favorite movie) and live in a world with no F1, heavy metal and religion (If he grants my wish, God can stay).

I am happy with myself.

About what I am, where I am and people I am with. As an overall package, I would give myself a 6.5/10. Hey, that’s not bad. No one has ever scored more than 6 in my scale ;))

Special Thanks to the Feudal Lord for this ;)